Lost

Lost is about the only word that comes to mind as I write this post today. I know that it has been a while since our last post. I have not been able to find the words to write.

Not only did we lose all of our embryos by transfer day over month ago, but we also lost the donor embryos. My pregnancy test was negative and we were once again faced with tremendous heartache.

The last month has been pretty rough. I am fighting depression, we are trying to recover from the tremendous expenses we have had due to all of the medical treatments, and we face a future with no children.

I am trying to find faith in God right now, but even it is lost right now. I can have all the faith in the world for others, but not for myself. I don't understand why He will not bring us a child.

We are taking a break right now. Our options are so small right now. We are going to concentrate on our health right now and try again to get our weight down. I gained almost 20 pounds over the summer from all of the fertility medications and loss of activity over the summer. That made all of this even more frustrating for me. I am having a very difficult time getting the weight to come off as well.

We are thinking about trying embryo adoption again in the future, but not for a while. Traditional adoption is also an option, but it will take a financial miracle. It typically costs around $20-25,000 and our resources are exhausted right now. This option may not be possible until several years from now.

All I can see right now is a grim future without children. For that I need your prayers. Every time I turn around I see pregnancy and babies; on television, in books, in stores, etc. I cannot escape it...I feel so bitter and angry and I am afraid I will feel this way forever. I desperately need to have some hope again...

I wish I had happier news for all. I wish I could write that post that talks about my strong faith in the Lord and how he will sustain me, but I just cannot find it inside of me right now. I need to grieve this loss first and then maybe I will see His Joy again...

Seeking where God Leads

Yesterday was embryo transfer day. Sadly, we received a call yesterday morning from the embryologist telling us that the last of our embryos had stopped developing. It is so hard to comprehend how we went from having twice as many embryos as last time to none on transfer day. It has been a very heartwrenching week for both us. After talking to the doctor yesterday afternoon, it seems that it will not be possible for us to have our own biological children.

Over the past couple of months, we have been thinking and praying about embryo adoption. When we started losing our embryos this week, we decided to pursue this option. We had looked at some profiles for some donor embryos about a month ago, but did not feel a strong pull towards adopting them yet. This week some new embryos became available and after reading through the profiles, they seemed to be a very good match for us. When we still had one embryo left, we decided that we would transfer the adopted embryos along with our remaining embryo.

By mid afternoon, things looked very poor. We had lost our last embryo and the three donor embryos had not survived the thaw. Richard and I began to feel lost and hurt, wondering why God was saying no to us. About 1:30 pm a second vial of the donor embryos were thawed and all seemed to be doing well. At least one of them was thriving and recovering from the thaw very well. The other two were responding and seemed the would also make it. About 3:30 pm we transferred three adopted embryos into my womb where we hope that at least one of them will attach and grow.

While we are mourning the loss of the opportunity to have children naturally, we are also thrilled at the prospect of becoming parents to these dear little ones that were left behind. It is a gift from God.

We continue to ask for your prayers as we potentially embark on a brand new journey in our lives. I am home on bedrest right now and it will be at least a week or so before we can test to find out if we are pregnant.

What an adventure is ahead of us!

IVF Update

Our egg retrieval was last Friday and things looked really good. Here are the basics:

• 9 eggs were retrieved and 7 of those were mature.
• 6 of the 7 actually fertilized
• On Day two, 3 of those eggs stopped growing. The three remaining eggs were progressing, two of them were below average quality and one looked to be good quality.
• On day three we have two below average embryos that are 8-cell and 5 cell. They should be a 6-8 cell embryo on day three. The third embryo that was our good one was still a 2 cell and the embryologist said it may not continue to day four.

Everything looked so good into egg retrieval...our best cycle numbers yet, but today we don't even know if these embyos will make it to transfer at all.

We are trying to understand what God is doing here and what direction he wants us to take. We certainly continue to ask for your prayers...

Episode III: A Schunke Hope

Wow! Time has flown since my last post. School started which is probably all I need to say to explain why I have not posted in a while. Classes are going well though, I have some great kids this year. The days just fly by though! It is busy!!

Despite our past IVF failure, we decided to try another cycle. We are just not ready to give up yet! We started IVF #3 the first week of september. I was very worried about going through a cycle while in school. Surprisingly, it was much easier than I thought it would be. I think it has been a blessing in disquise. I have been so busy, I don't have time to worry about my numbers and think about how cruddy the medicine makes me feel. I have just been plugging away, trying to put my energy into my kids in school and let God take care of the rest. We have been praying and hoping as always and waiting to see what God is going to do!

So far things are going great! We just gave the HcG shot which induces ovulation. Here is where we stand less than 35 hours before egg retrieval. Today during the ultrasound, we measured 13 follicles! They all looked really good. Most of them were betwen 17 and 20 mm which is great. One was a little small, and will probably not be ready by Friday, but that is still 12 potential eggs. My estrogen levels look fabulous too. They hope for 200 per mature follicle. We have never hit that, until now! My levels today were 2432, so we are looking great!

Our egg retrieval is scheduled for Friday morning at 7:00 am so we will be up bright and early.

Please pray for this procedure for us. The last retrieval was really rough on both of us between the pain and trauma of the procedure and the loss of 50% of our eggs right off the bat. We feel really good that things are going to go much better this time...we appreciate you agreeing in prayer with us on this issue.

This past week, I have seen God's love in so many ways. There are two things that really spoke to me this week. All summer I was really into potting plants for around the house and outside on the porch. It became a kind of therapy for me. I rescued plants on the clearance rack at the home and garden stores and grew them into beautiful plants again. I thought if I cannot grow babies right now, at least I can grow plants! Well, I had two planters with Mexican heather on the front porch. On a really hot day, that got absolutely parched after I was not able to water them the night before. Over the next couple of days, one whole side just turned brown and died. That was about a month ago. The other day I decided to cut the dried off branched out of the planter so that it would look better. I was very surprised to find that on all the dead stems, new growth had started and was flourishing! I was totally surprised! I also have a cyclomen that I rescued from Wal-mart's clearance rack. It had flowered a little when I bought it and then quit. Over a month ago, the leaves started to yellow and die. I read about them on the internet and found out that when that happens most people just through them out because they rarely flower again. They grow from a tuber and if they yellow, some say you can let the dry out and then plant them again in the spring and they might flower. Well, just as I was ready to think about drying it out, it stopped turning yellow. Stayed green. So I decided to keep watering it for a while and it has been green and beautiful. This week, lo and behold, it started blooming again...in the beginning of fall!!! I just think these are little love notes from God, showing how His power is made awesome through weakness.

Negative

Sadly, the pregnancy test was negative today.

We don't understand what God is doing, we don't know what lies in our future and we are hurting immensely right now.

We are also mourning the loss of the two children we will never get to see grow up.

I know that God is in control, but I am also thankful that we have a God that will allow us to feel...to be sad, angry, hurt, lost...holding us in His arms all along.

Thank you to our friends and family who have supported us and will continue to support us through these trials.

Waiting and more waiting...

Well, after daily visits to the doctor for about the past two weeks (including some weekends!) we are now having to just wait it out. I made it through the bedrest. I was getting a little stir crazy, but I managed to keep myself busy. I did a lot of knitting, worked on a scrapbook in bed, and watched lots of television and DVD's. Saturday rolled around and I could actually get out some. Funny thing was, I was so tired and started to feel like I was getting a cold or something...finally free and now did not want to do much but take a nap. Go figure...

Of course, the next thing that ran through my mind was "are these pregnancy symptoms?" We are now in the two week wait. This really is the hardest part. Waiting to take that official pregnancy test. I ran across an article today while doing some surfing that tickled my funny bone. It was describing things to keep you busy during the TWW. Here is the link if your would like to read the entire list:
http://bellybelly.com.au/articles/conception/two-week-wait-activity-list

It suggested things from walking around the neighborhood, making up your own fertility dance, and making a folic acid feast. You really shoud read #9...it is hysterical. I may do that tomorrow.

Number 13 involves audience participation. I am posting it below. Post your comments if you would like to participate and what day you will be taking. We need to fill though Friday folks...so here is your shot:

"13. Delegate the burden of the two-week wait. Clearly someone has to worry constantly during this time, but does it have to be you? Divide the days up among your best friends and closest family. On their assigned day they are required to think, wonder, and worry all day about whether you are pregnant or not. At the end of the day they have to call or send you email describing how agonizing it was. Also they have to report to you if they had any “symptoms,” such as sore breasts, excessive urination, nausea, bleeding, fatigue… "

Ready for the challenge? This is not limited to just women, men you are welcome to participate as well! You can email or post comments to the blog with your reports...looking forward to see how your day goes!

Transfer Day!!

Today was our big transfer day!

Here are our little embryos! The two embryos on the right labeled with the small T in a circle above are the ones that were transferred. The remaining one in the upper left side is the one that has been progressing poorly. It arrested and is no longer growing. You can't tell much from the photo, but it was getting more dark patches which indicated it had truly stopped developing.

The embryos that were transferred today are still a little slow developing. He said they had not made it to the blastocyst stage. He did see some progression, but they are just a little slower in developing. This might lower the chances they will attach to the uterine wall, so that will be one thing to be praying about this week! Embryos have been transferred at early stages and have made it, so these certainly can too with God's help! On another note, the embryologist said he has read some research (which I was reading just last night as well) that ICSI embryos that are female seem to develop slower than male embryos. Maybe we will have girls?????

The transfer was easy and pretty quick once we got into the room. They use a small catheter to transfer the embryos in and then I sit back and relax in the chair, reclining for about an hour.

Richard and I prayed and then took some goofy pictures, telling our little embryos to hang on because we think we will be fun parents!

I am home now and confined to rest for the next several days.

Here are our prayer requests: 1. That these two little embryos continue to grow and develop in God's time. 2. That these two little ones attach and grow (did I just say I wanted twins????!!!!)

Day 5

Praise God!!!!

The embryologist called this morning and reports that all the embryos are progressing today! They are still on track too. He does not know why they seem to stop yesterday, sometimes when checking them at different intervals the observations of the progress can be off. I know it is because God is taking care of things! One of the embryos is in the morula stage and the other two are early morulas. The morula stage of development is between 12-32 cells and is when the inner cell mass begins to develop. From here they will become blastocysts (should be by tomorrow) and will be transferred back to mommy!

The embryo transfer will be tomorrow at noon. We don't know how many we will transfer until tomorrow. Since one of the embryo's is poor quality, we are not sure if it will make it till tomorrow. The embryologist said that he keeps expecting it to drop off, but it is still hanging on! After the transfer, I will be on several days of bedrest per doctor's orders. This will probably be a challenge for me, but I don't want to do anything to prevent those babies from attaching in my uterus. I have lots of books, DVD's, and kntting projects to keep my busy.

Thank you all for your prayers...they are being heard and are working! Please continue to pray that at least one of these little ones finds a good place to nestle in and attach and grow for the next nine months! Praise God for how wonderful He is!!!

Day 4

We have hit a low today. The embryologist called this morning and told me that two of the embryos did not progress today. They have not added any new cells. It is the 4 and 6 cell embryos that were looking so good. It has not been 24 hours since he checked them (he did an afternoon check yesterday) so he is keeping them in culture and said they still may progress. But he said that there is a possibility that they have arrested. The other 4-cell embryo that has been of poor quality is still progressing. We are now scheduled for a Day 6 transfer if the embryos make it to Wednesday.

Please pray like crazy today that they keep dividing and growing!!!

Day 3 Progress

here is the latest update on our little ones...

All of the embryos are progressing. Both of the two cell embryos are now 4-cell embryos and the 4-cell embryo from yesterday is now a 6-cell embryo. The embryologist said that the current 4-cell embryos are a little behind, but it is common for ICSI embryos to be a little slow developing at first. Science does not fully know why this is but it he said that part of it may be due to the trauma of the fertilization procedure. It is like it had surgery when the needle is injected to allow the sperm to penetrate. It just needs time to recover just as we do when we have surgery. He did not seem concerned about those two being behind a bit, he said that what was important was that they were all progessing. He also told me that typically ICSI embryos, because they are sometimes behind, will be cultured until Day 6 before they are transferred into the womb. We will know more after we check progress tomorrow, but it could be Wednesday now before they are transferred. We continue to pray for their development and praise GOD for how amazing this process is! I am blown away by all that happens to bring life into the world. It is an incredible!

Prayer Focus:
Continued development of the embryos
That my body is ready to accept them once transferred
Richard's return from his Walk to Emmaus!

Day 2 Embryos

The embryologist called today to update us on our future Baby Schunkes!

We have two 2-cell embryos and one 4-cell embryo. Both 2 and 4 cell embryos are common for day 2. They look for three things to judge the quality of the embryos...number of cells, consistent shape of the cells, and degree of frangmentation. One of the 2-cell embryos and the 4-cell embryo are both doing well. He said they look average to above average! The remaining 2-cell embryo does not look very good. It has more than 50% fragmentation and the cells are not consistent with each other, one is a little larger than the other. They wil continue to grow it along with the others. I have read alot of the internet about judging quality and we really don't have a solid reliable system for this. Sometimes a poor quality embryo wil still develop into a normal healthy child. We will just see how it does over the next several days. A lot of times they are not developing due to chromosomal mutations and would not survive anyway.

We are still praying and believing that one of more of these will soon be our new additions! The fact that we are this far in the process is a miracle. God is good!

Triple Play

We got great news today! I just got off the phone with the embryologist and he told me that the three remaining eggs from the retrieval yesterday all fertilized!!! Yeah! God is good. We don't qon't know the quality of the embryos until tomorrow, but everything is looking good today. He will call us tomorrow to give another update on how they divide. They are still single-cells at this point. Thanks for your continued prayers...we are praying for three healthy embryos!

Pray, pray and pray some more!

Richard and I went in for the egg retrieval and fertilization today. The day started out great. we were laughing, hopeful, and positive. The procedure was a little rough-painful because the drug did not fully put me out, but I survived it. I was pretty groggy all day.

While I was recovering from the medication, the embryologist came in to give us the report. They were able to retrieve 6 eggs. Unfortunately, 3 of the eggs did not survive the retrieval process. Their shells were basically broken and therefore they were not viable. The remaining three were viable and ready to be fertilized. As we headed home, we got the call that they would have to use ICSI (directly inject the sperm into the egg) in order to fertilize the eggs.

We came home pretty deflated. We were not prepared for the possibility of losing so many eggs right off the bat. With only three eggs, the odds of them fertilizing and making it back into my uterus is pretty low.

I know that God is bigger than that...we desparately need your prayers that we will have three fertilized and healthy growing embryos to transfer. They will call us Friday to let us know how they are progressing.

Richard left for his Walk to Emmaus tonight as well. He was pretty down before he left. The events of today were pretty tough on him. I know he will have a great weekend though. Pray for him and what God will do in his life this weekend.

Ok...I will update again once I hear the latest from the embryologist. We covet your prayers right now!

Almost time for the big release!

I have had three ultrasounds in three days. One of the many joys of IVF! So here is the latest:

The follicles are growing very nicely. In the last three days they have grown from about 15 mm in size to an average of 20 mm in size. My estrogen levels are rising nicely as well. It is fun to see the follicles on the ultrasound this time around. You can see the corpus luteum where the egg is contained inside the follicle. It is funny hearing the doctor and nurse talk about how "cute" they are. We did not see these during the first IVF cycle. I don't know if they were just not pointed out or pehaps the eggs are more mature this tme around and therefore we can see them better. So what do they look like? Well, the best description I can give is like looking at cartoon eyes. A big circle with a small circle dot attached on the inside of the big circle. Are you getting a mental picture?

My daily trips to the doctor continue. I have to go in to have my progesterone levels checked again tomorrow and then we are back Thursday for the egg retrieval! The big day! Just saying that it is egg retreival day does not fully describe it...it will be conception day actually! After they retrieve the eggs, they will join Richard's sperm for the "Party in the Petri Dish." They will call us everyday with reports on how the embryos are doing as they begin growing.

Last night Richard and I had dinner at home and watched our wedding video as part of our anniversary celebration. It was such a joy to watch it again. It is crazy to think about how much has happened in the past two years. Upon hearing and reflecting on our vows again we realized we have pretty much hit all of them in just the past two years..

For better (on vacation, realxing at home) or for worse (working late hours, being apart, discovering our infertility)
For richer (after two teaching awards) or for poorer (after two IVF cycles and expensive meds)
In sickness (with bloated ovaries and the flu) and in health (losing weight and feeling much healthier)

I believe that God will bring us a child through this process. This IVF has been much smoother and much more positive. I see God's hands through it all. Thank you for your continued prayers for us and our future children!

Celebrating two years

Richard and I celebrated our 2nd anniversary on Saturday. Our anniversary is actually on Monday July 23, but how much celebrating can you do on a weekday??? Plus, being near the end of the stimulation drugs in our IVF cycle, we were not sure how I would be feeling by Monday.

We had a great day. This photo was taken at the Double Nickel Steakhouse here in Lubbock. We had a very nice dinner and evening out. The food was fabulous.

Earlier in the day we went to the Clay Cafe to create. It is a ceramics/pottery studio here in town. You pick your piece, paint it, and then they fire it for you. I painted a plate as a memento of our anniversary and Richard painted a turtle. We have a box turtle in our yard that we have affectionately named turtle-roo. When Richard saw the turtle at the Clay Cafe, he knew that was his project.

We had a really fun day overall. Reflecting on the past year, it has been marked as our year of trying to get preganant. How wonderful it will be to see our dream come true in the next week on the heels of our 2nd anniversary!

Friday's update

I can certainly tell that I have follicles growin' up a storm. I am feeling all of the pressure and bloating...it is time for the fun to begin...

Had another ultrasound today. Today we measured 6 follicles on the left and 1 on the right. A little discouraging after seeing 10 on Tuesday, but my hope is in the Lord. It only takes on egg and one sperm! They said that one might be packed in where we can't see it and the tiny ones on the right might still grow up quickly. We will see! My estrodial levels (estrogen) have increased a lot...up to 353 today. Much better.

My next ultrasound is on Sunday...right after church! Everything is full speed ahead now...egg retrieval is right around the corner!

The latest

I had my first ultrasound today since we started the stimulation drugs. I was a bit nervous going in and not knowing what to expect. I was excited when we found 10 follicles developing already!!! I have 7 on the left side. Four of them were measureable and 3 were visible, but could not be measured. I also have 3 on the right side. I could not wait to call Richard and tell him the news. My estrodial level is a bit low, but they did not seem too worried about it. The doctor told me to continue the low-dose ovidrel at night to help get the estrogen levels up. So, I stay on four shots a day and go in for the next ultrasound on Friday morning.

Richard returned from Oklahoma last night. I am so glad he is home! I had to start all of my injections by myself while he was away. I actually gave myself all of the morning shots. I had friends help me with the evening shots. It was hard to stick myself! I was surprising more emotional than I thought I would be about having to do this myself. The first morning, I cried a bit when I injected myself. It did not hurt at all, it was just strange not having Richard there. Through all the fertility treatments, it has always been about all the tests, ultrasounds, bloodwork, etc. that I have had to go through. When Richard gives the injections, it is something we do together and that time has become very important to me as we work to help bring a child into the world together. I am so glad he is back and we are in our regular routine again. Who would have imagined I would get so sentimental over getting a shot!

Family

Some days really catch you by surprise and our family had one of those days last week. On tuesday of last week, my aunt Carole was put in the hospital for heart failure. She passed away the next day. This really took us all by surprise and has been quite a shock. She will really be missed. Carole has always kinda been the "hub" of the family keeping everyone updated with family news. I know that life will not be the same without her here on earth. Thankfully, we know that she is in heaven with the Lord watching over us all.

On Saturday, I attended the funeral in Odessa. It was one of the few times that all of my cousins on my mom's side has been together at the same time. There are seven of us, all girls. I was also reminded that on this side of the family, for whatever reason, many of the women have had children later in life. Somewhat encouraging for me to remember. Funerals are sorrowful occasions, but also joyful as it is one of those few times when we all stop to reconnect with family.

Here we go again!

It seems as if July is just flying by and I have gotten way behind on the blog. Here is the latest in the ever-evolving Schunke Story!

Last week, Richard and I met with the new doctor, Dr. Phy. She reviewed our case and the notes from Dr. Jabara. While there were many things she agreed with him on, she did not think I responded poorly on the last cycle. She feels very positively that IVF can help us get pregnant. She was sooooo positive, that it almost seems unbelievable for us. It is strange to hear one doctor say the odds are not good and another to be so positive. So here we are jumping in again. And very quickly! On our last IVF cycle, Dr. Jabara controlled the start of the cycle with birth control (yes, sounds strange huh?) and had me on it for 5 weeks so that we could stimulate right after school let out. Dr. Phy works off birth control too, but only the normal 3 week time period. She is afraid that staying on it longer might supress my ovaries too much. As I was finishing the third week on Monday, we had to get ready fast. We could have waited a month, but it would have interfered with school causing me to miss the first three days of school. Talk about stress! It would have been to hard to be out that much right off the bat, so we jumped in this month.

We are going to use a different protocol this time. Most of the drugs are the same, but there are some new ones and some new combinations of drugs. Dr. Phy seems to have a lot of experience working with patients who have high FSH. This protocol is designed more for this type of infertility. I took one drug called Cetrotide on Monday. I had my baseline ultrasound and bloodwork today and everything looks good for starting stimulation. I will begin stimulation drugs on Saturday. We are using Gonal-F again as we did last time. We will be combining it with another drug called Menopur. We used this drug last time too, but much later in the stimulation protocol. She has also added one more drug, Ovidrel, in a low dosage. So, to start off on Saturday I will have four shots a day for the next week.

The big adventure is that I have to give these shots myself as Richard is out of town this weekend. Fortunately, these are relatively easy ones, so I think I can handle it.

Going into cycle number two is a lot different than when we first started all of this. There is a certain degree of excitement, but also a lot of fear. I think our biggest fear is of what happens if this does not work. Part of me feels very positive and the other part is just plain terrified. Going through a second cycle is emotinally difficult, financially difficult, and physically difficult. The schedule this time is a little crazy as well and I am worried about our cycle interfering with Richard's walk to emmaus. But, I believe God still has his hand in this and I will do all I can to trust in what He wants to do here. We will see where He takes us!

It's all about plumbing...

Well, I am finally returning to post in our blog. I cannot believe I slacked for so long. Things have been moving at such a fast pace the last couple of weeks. I thought I had freed up my summer quite a bit, but I have found myself busy, busy, busy!

It is a mess around here. We had a major leak again in the house. I got up early one morning to let Hannah out and went to use the bathroom downstairs to find the carpet all wet. We have already had plumbers out twice to try to fix this. So, the next day Richard just tore into the walls himself to find the problem. The caulk in the tub was not sufficient and allowing water into the walls and then down into the carpet. So now we have two bathrooms torn up and have decided we are going to have to get the remodel on these done now. As you can see in the picture, we were living with old 70's wallpaper and decor anyway so a remodel is desperately needed. This picture is from December, the first time Richard had to tear up the bathroom for plumbing issues.

It is somewhat ironic that the same week we have dealt with plumbing issues at home, I also had my "plumbing" checked out at the hospital. I went in Thursday morning for what is called a Hysterosalpingogram. Ok, say that one ten times fast! It is a basic test they do to make sure the fallopian tubes are not blocked. They inject a contrast dye through a catheter into the uterus while being x-rayed. You can then see the uterus and tubes on the x-ray as it is happening. My plumbing looks good according to the doc. The dye went through fine. Statistics show an increase in pregnancy rates after this type of procedure because a lot of the time the dye helps to clear out any blockages or debris that may be cluttering the tubes. Knowing that my pipes have been cleaned out now helps us prepare for the next go around of tying to get pregnant. Maybe this will do the trick!

We did a follow up with Dr. Jabara about the failed insemination. He still does not recommend trying another IVF because he does not think I will be able to produce enough follicles. He wants us to try on our own again for a month then we could try another insemination. We have an appointment with another fertility specialist as well on Thursday to get a second opinion. I have heard she is really good. I think it will be nice to get a fresh perspective on things as well. I have a feeling that we will be doing an insemination again just from the financial standpoint...all of this is soooooooo expensive and money is getting really tight especially now that we have been forced into our bathroom remodel sooner than expected.

Meanwhile, we continue to pray and be patient for the Lord's timing. Although life is a bit tough for us right now, we know that God is faithful and watching out for us!

Shock, anger, sadness...

Picking one or two emotions to describe what we have been feeling this weekend is next to impossible. Friday night we went to bed laughing and dreaming of our future children. (If you have not heard our silly teasing, we have named them Orel Carl and Christmas Carol which is a story I will have to tell another day). We laughed and teased with each other and were talking about my possible "pregnancy" symptoms after Richard noticed my boobs had gotten bigger. I remember going to bed hopeful and believing I really was pregnant.

Saturday morning I woke up to discover I was starting my period. On many of the message boards we refer to it as AF (which I think stands for "Aunt Flo")...hope I am not embarrassing any of the men reading our blog here...sorry! Anyway, even though I have heard of implantation bleeding (small amount of bleeding that can occur when the embryo attaches to the uterus), I knew that this was my regular AF...it has been further confirmed through the weekend.

I am devasted...I could not even get the words out to tell Richard. He knew something was wrong, I just crawled back into bed and into his arms and cried. Wailing is probably a better term, it just seem to come out of nowhere. I really believed that this insemination was going to bring us our children but now, I was getting a very clear indication that this was not the case. Despite all the medicines, treatment, and prayers, we find out we are not pregnant. We did not even get to take the pregnancy test.

I have walked through this weekend in a state of disbelief, anger, frustration, and feeling lost. Richard and I have both cried and held each other, but we have also found some moments of normalcy and even a bit of laughter here and there. I feel so blessed to have Richard by my side through all of this. He has been wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

We have also prayed and talked to God a lot this weekend. I have actually yelled at Him a bit, I was reminded in a book that I could yell and be angry at Him, his shoulders are big enough to handle it. Having the permission to feel all of these things and know that God will still hold me tight has made it easier to think about starting to heal from this disappointment. I suppose this is what has given me the energy and readiness to think about going through all of this again.

So what next? We are certainly not giving up...I armed myself with three new books this weekend, talked to God a lot, cried a lot, and got up this morning ready to start a new cycle. It's crazy isn't it???? I went in to get bloodwork done to check my FSH level. I am praying it has not gone up any since the last measure. Remember, higher numbers is bad...means the ovarian reserve is low. We have made an appointment with a new doctor to get a second opinion. Her name is Dr. Jennifer Phy and I have been told she is wonderful. We have an appointment with her next week. So I spent the morning running around and getting paperwork filled out for getting my records sent over before our appointment.

We again ask for your prayers. Richard and I both are hurting from this disappointment. Please pray for God's hand in our healing and the restoration of our hope. It is getting harder and harder to have faith that we will have children one day. In addition, please pray for the new start with the new doctor and the preparation of my body for another cycle. As usual, we will update with more details as we know them.

Thank you again for all your prayers and support...we feel them and appreciate them a great deal.

Sextuplets

Well, they say that things tend to happen in threes...for two families this weekend, it happened in sixes. Six babies that is! The Masche family in Arizona and the Morrison Family in Minnesota both delivered 6 babies each within 10 hours of each other. The Morrison 6 are in critical condition (this is typical for this situation) but hanging on in Minnesota while the Masche 6 are doing well and off ventilators in Arizona. I cannot imagine having 6 babies at one time. I have been reading the websites and blogs for these mothers and for two other mothers who are expecting 6 later this year. It is amazing what they have had to go through to deliver these kiddos, but they count it as blessing even though it may be a tough road. All of their stories are inspiring on their own. They take on a new meaning when you are anxiously awaiting to find out if you are pregnant...

Me? Nervous???

We already know that we will be beating the odds to get pregnant in the first place. Well, we have even joked about how "funny" it would be after all this worrying to end up with twins or triplets. Late Sunday night, Richard just had to put it out there...he held up his hand with all five fingers up and said "quints!" My jaw dropped and I looked at him with disbelief..."where did that come from?" He told me it had just popped into his mind today, he did not know why. Monday rolls around and we here the news of not only one set of sextuplets born, but two! Needless to say it has been the topic of conversation with just about everyone who knows me.

"Nancy, I was thinking about you all day yesterday after I heard about the sextuplets!"

After reading more about their stories, the Morrison 6 blog really captured my attention. They got married in 2005, were trying to get pregnant for a year with no success, then sought help from a fertility specialist. With the help of fertility medications they used artificial insemination to try to get pregnant. Right before the insemination, they had two mature eggs and two immature that were probably not viable. In Ryan Morrison's words from the site "There was a 25% chance of us having twins, a 3 % chance of us having triplets and anything else was laughable. " I call those FAMOUS LAST WORDS!

So of course, before I find these stories I am thinking to myself, "well, there is just no way we could have 6...I only had two really mature eggs, two that could be mature and two that were immature and probably would not fertilize at all. I'm thinking 4 at the most"...funny how your perspective of a situation changes when you see the potential outcomes...

As we have always done, we are praying for the PERFECT number of children for us...Richard stated it beautifully in an email repsonse to my mom today...

"Let's hope and pray that God delivers the exact perfect number for all of us to handle (and not all of us handling one each at the same time, either!)."

If that happens to be 6 babies, then we know that God has a plan and we will be very blessed (and calling on the Morrison's and Masche's in hopes to benefit from their experience!)

Until the news of the sextuplets hit, I had planned on posting about one of our favorite pastimes here at the Schunke household...Bad movie Sunday. I will save it for another day...

Prayer focus for the week...

Patience, patience, and more patience and help through the hormonal changes that are still occuring on the back half of this cycle...the progesterone cream is having surprising effects including big mood swings along with a few other things I won't mention here...happy happy joy joy...

Rest

This weekend has been about some rest and relaxtion for Richard and me. We slept in until almost 11 am on Saturday morning which was wonderful. The emotional rollercoaster of the past two weeks along with the physical ups and downs warranted a nice long rest for both of us this weekend. We got to be lazy around the house, watched television, took a swim in the pool, and had a fun evening with friends from church.

Last night our young adult group met (yes, we still consider ourselves young adults!) and had an evening of fellowship. Originally, we had planned on playing in the park, however, the weather did not cooperate. Thunderstorms forced us inside, but we still had fun! We ended up at Rosa's for dinner and then over to the Ivie's for a little XBOX...Guitar Hero II! If you have not heard of this, it is a video game that simulates playing the guitar, particularly rock tunes.

Today, Richard is being a kid again playing out at the go kart track with some of his buddies while I have been knitting, watching the birds and butterflies that are now coming to our yard and doing a little surfing on the computer. A real weekend! I cannot even remember the last time we had a weekend when we could just relax...life has always been so busy!

Still anxiously awaiting the time for a pregnancy test. In my devotions lately, the Lord has been feeding me verses on trust and patience...so I am trying to take those lessons to heart!

Happy Day!

Today was our big day! God is truly working in our lives. What an amazing God He is!

Last night, Richard took me out for a date. We had dinner at Skyviews (yes, the same place we had our wedding reception). It was french night and there was a very unigue menu including duck crepes, herbed chicken in a soft pastry and and en glace dessert...it was soooo good! We had a really nice evening. A nice romantic touch the night before an unromantic medical procedure.

The insemination procedure went very smoothly today. It went so quickly! The doctor said everything looked great. Now we wait for two weeks until we can take a pregnancy test.

I guess I will need to find other things to write about until then...it will be hard to wait that long! It seems strange after spending the last two weeks in the doctor's office every other day to have to wait two weeks!

Thank you for all your prayers...we know they are being heard!

No more shots! YIPEE!

I got fabulous news today...no more shots! I did the bloated happy dance around the kitchen when I told Richard this evening! So here's the scoop:

Went in for the ultrasound and blood work today. In the left corner...we have two great follicles! The third one has disappeared unfortunately. :( In the right corner...we have FOUR follicles! A fourth one appeared on the ultrasound today! It is not quite up to snuff as far as size, but there could be a good egg in there...there are two good follicles on the right, and two that are really close and have some potential to release a mature egg. After seeing my estrogen level (which sky rocketed to 1500), Dr. Jabara said today was the day to send them out into the world, or at least my uterus. So we took the ovidrel injection tonight at 9 pm. This induces ovulation. 36 hours from the time of the shot, my eggs are ready to be fertilized.

The insemination procedure will take place on Wednesday morning so keep us in your thoughts and prayers!

With this update, came the news that we now have no more shots. Since we changed to the insemination, I can use a progesterone cream instead of the injections. I AM SO HAPPY! I have heard the progesterone shots are rough...I am so glad that we don't have to do them now...I really feel for those women who have had to undergo them!

I feel like I am in the home stretch of the big race. I am so relieved that ovulation is on its way now...I have been so bloated and sore from the pressure in my ovaries. It is shockingly uncomfortable to have so many follicles growing in your ovaries. I cannot imagine what things would have been like if we had more develop. My stomach feels swollen, it is tough to walk and bend over without pain. Thankfully I have loose clothing to wear (wearing alot of my clothes from 20-40 pounds ago!) so that there is no additional pressure on my abdomen than absolutely necessary.

Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers...we are really feeling God's presence in this whole process and believing it will work. The only thing we are worried about now is how many babies we will have!!!

Prayer focus for Wednesday:
-A beautiful "meeting" on Wednesday morning
-the perfect number of embryos formed in my womb
-that those embryos attach in the coming week and hang on for the ride!

Renewed Hope

It is a new month and a new day and with it comes renewed hope in our journey to become parents. I am resolved to trust in God's plan for us. It is in times like these, when hope seems to have faded that he comes in and shows what he truly can do. The odds are against us...a perfect opportunity to show that HE is still in control and HE can do this...knowing our children before they are ever conceived and waiting for the right time to bring us into His plan.

So, I went in today for another ultrasound and bloodwork. Yes, every two days like clockwork, even on the weekend. I have not heard back on the blood work yet, but the follicles are looking good, almost ready. One of the smaller ones on the left has caught up to her big sisters and so it appears I will have three good follicles on the left and two on the right. There is still a smaller one that could catch up on the right, but it is lagging behind right now. So, it looks like we will have five potentially great eggs for the insemination. The uterine lining also looks good...in the doctor's own words..."beautiful lining!"

I go in Monday for yet another ultrasound and bloodwork. If things look good and ready, as we expect them to be, I will finally get to quit all these injections except one. I am soooooo ready. I have become the human pin cushion. I have so many bruises and needle marks on my stomach!I get one more injection of a new drug called ovidrel if the follicles look ready on Monday. This one tells my body to release the eggs! Then on Wednesday morning we will most likely have the insemination. With all of Richard's best sperm and multiple eggs on my end, we are believing that God will bring one pair together!!!

We cannot tell you how much we appreciate all of your prayers, love, and support. Keep them coming! They have truly been felt and were much needed in a very low point of this journey. I don't know where we would be without all of your love. Thank you!

Heartbreak...

Today, Richard and I had to make the painful decision to cancel our IVF cycle. My body is not responding as it should to the medication. I have not developed enough follicles and my estrogen level is not high enough to justify the risks of the procedure. We were somewhat prepared for this today after the results of Tuesdays bloodwork. It was confirmed by today's results. Being prepared does not make it less painful though...it is tough to let go when you are already so invested in a process.

What we did not expect today was the news that the doctor does not believe that another IVF cycle would produce better results. I thought we might be able to try a new protocol or higher dose of drugs. The doctor said he started us with the highest dose recommended and that a change in protocol would probably not improve our results. Because of my age, I have just have too few eggs left and my body is working harder and harder to mature them. In addition to that, my ovaries are very small which is also contributing to the problem.

So, here is where we stand today...
we are converting our IVF cycle to an IUI (artificial insemination) cycle. I will continue with the drugs as we have been doing, actually adding one tonight as well. They are going to "wash" and "pool" some of Richard's best swimmers (kinda like an olympic trial for sperm...they spin the samples down in a centrifuge, then allow the sperm to swim to the top of the medium...only the strongest can do it) and then inseminate with that team sometime next week (maybe as early as Monday). We are hoping that my 4, maybe 6 follcles have prodced great eggs and at least one sperm finds one egg.

We are going to seek a second opinion on the second IVF cycle. Perhaps a doctor somewhere has a protocol he/she has used that might work for us.

I am resolved to trust God in this situation...I know he has a plan. Still, I am human and I am woman and I am hurting...I appreciate all your understanding a patience in this situation. I stood in the line at the scrapbook store today right next to a woman who was pregnant buying baby boy scrapbook paper. The clerk was talking to her about when her due date was and how it was going...I almost lost it. I left the store pretty quick after that...me leave a scrapbook store fast??? Not like me...but it was too much to take today. I went and bought a DQ blizzard after that...

We need a miracle...

When we started all of the fertility treatments, even though I was down about it, I don't think I doubted that IVF would work for us. Unfortunately, those doubts are creeping in big time right now. I am sure the drugs and stirring up of my hormones have made me more emotional that usual right now, but nevertheless...

I went into the clinic today to check on our follicle development. He did see follicles today, but only three on each side. This coupled with my low estrogen levels indicates that I am not repsonding well to the medications. Estrogen levels should be higher at this point...about 200 per follicle. Mine is about 112 right now, total. We are going to stay on the meds for two more days and I return to the clinic to check on things again. It there is not improvement, then the nurse said we may have to cancel the cycle.

Frustrating is not even the word for all of this right now...I am praying for our little miracles that I know must be there somewhere, but I am terrified right now. We want to have kids so badly...please keep us in your prayers the next two days...

We are go for Phase II...

Yesterday we moved into Phase II of our IVF journey. I am beginning to feel like a human experiment on the X-files or something. No medical treatment I have encountered is as structured and different as this one. I have started looking for alien implants on the back of my neck or something. :) "Mulder, the truth is out there..."

Believing that our baby is "out there," our morning started off bright and early with Richard getting out the new medication that comes in the big fat pen. This one is called Gonal-f and it is a stimulator that should rev my follicles into overdrive to produce eggs. I have to take this drug twice a day. This needle is about the same size as the Lupron shots (which I still take so this is a total of 3 injections a day) so it is not too painful. The side effects of this one are much stronger though and have really thrown me for a loop this weekend. I have expected the mood swings and "PMS" type symptoms, but it has also affected my respiratory system. I have symptoms of the flu, stomach pain, and difficulty breathing due to congestion and chest tightness. All are known side effects of the medications. I am sure my symptoms have been exhasberated by the fact that I already have sinus and allergy issues. Yesterday was pretty rough...slept alot and used a lot of kleenex. I am hoping that my body will adjust a bit more to it as the days go by, it will be difficult feeling like this for 10 days. Today, I feel about the same...headache, congestion, fatigue, just blah...

I am makng the best of it by watching some movies, doing some knitting, and relaxing around the house and surfing the net. I did get out and walk a bit today as well as went fishing yesterday...something not too strenuous...

Phase II was not only the start of the new injection, but also an added antibiotic for both Richard and me to take twice a day. At least I am not the only one taking the meds...

Prayer Focus: development of follicles and for relief from drug side effects

Today's Blogpourri...

There is so much going on this week I don't know where to start!

LAST DAY of SCHOOL!!! Yes, today we said good-bye to the kids for the summer. Don't get me wrong, I love my students, but it is nice to say good bye and take a break every so often. There are many I will miss a great deal though...I have been blessed to have some great students over the years.

IVF Cycle Update:
I went in for my baseline ultraound today. There was some concern because he could not see any follicles starting to develop at this point. We are still on schedule to start the stimulation drugs on Saturday. I then go in on Tuesday for another ultrasound. He said if he still does not see the follicles on Tuesday, then he will be worried. I am trying not to worry yet. My ovaries appear to be small anyway and maybe that is why we can't see the follicles yet. So, time to rev up your prayer engines all...Lord, get these follicles developing! All of my bloodwork looks good...that is a plus.

We transition into phase II on Saturday...stimulation drugs that are injected from a device that looks like one of those big fat four color pens. We also both have to start taking antibiotics. With all of this, the really fun hormone changes begin. So far, I have just had occasional headaches, bloating, soreness, hot flashes, irritability (leave me alone!), and hunger cravings. No sweat, right??!!! The new medicine promises to bring even more fun. Perhaps I should start looking at the bright side of this adventure...say what I want, blame it on the meds....hmmmmmmm...

I had a nice relaxing massage last night. A friend is going to help me with weekly massages to relieve stress and help my circulation throughout the cycle. The less stress the better! I have also read a lot about accupuncture and in-vitro. I would not normally try this, but there is some positive reasearch out there that shows it may help. I will keep you all posted...it is a matter of whether I can deal with all those needles or not...yikes!

Well, it looks like DH and I might go see the "Pirates" tonight...I really need a diversion.

Prayer focus for the week: development of the follicles by Tuesday!!!

Maintaining normalcy

So, advice I have been given so far is to live life as normal as possible even as the IVF cycle begins. Difficult to do when your day to day "normal" life now includes an ever-increasing round of needle injections...but we are trying! I had to work Friday night at the theater, so Richard came up there to give me my evening shot in the employee break room...talk about entertainment. Since we have to give the shot about the same time every night, it puts a small kink in some evening plans, but not a huge deal.

Saturday evening I went to a friends for a scrapbooking night. I bravely asked my friend Linda, if she had ever given an injection before so I could relive Richard from having to drive out...she was wonderful. She had worked as a vet tech and had given lots of animals shots, so she figured she could do this too! She did a great job...what a funny evening it was, too. The television had gone out in the bedroom and so her husband was in the living room with us watching boxing while we talked scrapbooks and in-vitro! Talk about a one-two punch for him...

I am adjusting to the Lupron, but I could really feel the side effects this weekend. I have been pretty cranky and have had several headaches...then there is the rollercoasting bloating and "un-bloating." One minute I feel really thin and then the next like I have popped out like a puffer fish...grrrrrr. I am sure it will kill me at weigh-in tomorrow night at Weight Watchers...

Prayer focus for the week: to not allow stress to take over, to try to maintain our normal day to day routine, for God's continued peace that He is in control of this entire process!

Music to conceive by...

I got an mp3! How fun, I am finally with the times. Richard got a surprise at work today, a small bonus AMEX gift card, so he said we could go buy an mp3 player. We got the Sandisk Sansa e260. I have been reading really good reviews on the sandisk players and it had a lot of the features I wanted. It is charging up tonight and maybe I will have some time to get some songs loaded on it this weekend. It came pre-loaded, so at least there is something.

Made it through the second shot tonight...little prickly, but ok. I know we will fly through the first part of the cycle...

Prayer focus for the week is for eating healthy, my body's response to the new drugs (no allergic reactions, excessive weight gain, etc.) and will power to start weaning myself completely off the caffeine. While I have already cut down quite a bit, I still manage to get in one soft drink a day. It is so hard to give up my diet dr. pepper!

Hit me with your best shot...

Richard gave me the first injection tonight. The anticipation was far worse than the actually pain of the needle stick. It is sore now though and I got a bit nauseated after (then again, I had chili dogs for dinner and they did not bode well with me at all!) I do think that my belly will be quite sore for the next month. The first drug is Lupron which is a supression type drug. It actually works to completely shut the ovaries down. Once that is achieved, we stimulate the ovaries! Crazy huh? Shut them down just to stimulate them again! That is the way things work though in this IVF protocol.

One down...too many to count to go...

The meds have arrived

Wow...I was expecting to walk out of the doctor's office on Thursday with a wal-mart size bag and instead took home this huge box which contains all of our IVF medications. The actually medicines are in small vials, the rest of it is all the syringes that we will have to use.

I am worried about these injections. We start with 10 days a once a day suppression drug called Lupron. Then on May 25 we start the follicle stimulating drug, Gonal F, twice a day. Since we continue the Lupron, this will now be three injections a day.

There was another medication in the box that the nurse did not tell us about. I am hoping and praying that the pharmacy made a mistake because they sent huge needles with this drug...it does not look fun at all. I will be calling about it tomorrow...

Our church prayed for us this morning...it was very calming and comforting. We will continue to see God's will through all of this. It will be cool to see how He works through this even though it won't be fun physically...

I think I need an mp3 player....

I have been giving Richard subtle and not so subtle hints to buy me a new mp3 player. I have never owned one, so this will be our first. I have been asking for one for Christmas, but got a new camera (which I love!) instead. Now that we are faced with daily shots soon-and we know how well I deal with pain-I think it will be a great way to help distract me from the pain of the injections. What do you buy though???? There are so many out there and many of them are such a hassle. The iPods look cool, but then you have to get everything off iTunes...this stinks. I hate buying electronics!I guess I will keep doing my research and see what Richard finds!

The first step

Today we took one of the first official steps toward IVF as I went to the hospital for a hysteroscopy. Dr. Jabara is checking on a fibroid and making sure that my insides are ready for a baby to implant itself! The procedure went well, but I am soooooooo sore now and my throat is killing me fromt the intubation. Ugh...groggy from the pain meds too. Yet, here I am writing!

We'll take in-vitro for $12,000, Bob....

Well, it looks like we are going the in-vitro route in order to have a child. We met with the fertility specialist, Dr. Jabara today and he described the ins and outs of the procedure. We are scheduled to start the IVF cycle in May and have the egg extraction about June 6. They will be fertilized that day, grow for 3-5 days in the lab and then transfered back into my uterus. Then we wait! I'm nervous, but resolved to trust God through this process.