Lost is about the only word that comes to mind as I write this post today. I know that it has been a while since our last post. I have not been able to find the words to write.
Not only did we lose all of our embryos by transfer day over month ago, but we also lost the donor embryos. My pregnancy test was negative and we were once again faced with tremendous heartache.
The last month has been pretty rough. I am fighting depression, we are trying to recover from the tremendous expenses we have had due to all of the medical treatments, and we face a future with no children.
I am trying to find faith in God right now, but even it is lost right now. I can have all the faith in the world for others, but not for myself. I don't understand why He will not bring us a child.
We are taking a break right now. Our options are so small right now. We are going to concentrate on our health right now and try again to get our weight down. I gained almost 20 pounds over the summer from all of the fertility medications and loss of activity over the summer. That made all of this even more frustrating for me. I am having a very difficult time getting the weight to come off as well.
We are thinking about trying embryo adoption again in the future, but not for a while. Traditional adoption is also an option, but it will take a financial miracle. It typically costs around $20-25,000 and our resources are exhausted right now. This option may not be possible until several years from now.
All I can see right now is a grim future without children. For that I need your prayers. Every time I turn around I see pregnancy and babies; on television, in books, in stores, etc. I cannot escape it...I feel so bitter and angry and I am afraid I will feel this way forever. I desperately need to have some hope again...
I wish I had happier news for all. I wish I could write that post that talks about my strong faith in the Lord and how he will sustain me, but I just cannot find it inside of me right now. I need to grieve this loss first and then maybe I will see His Joy again...
Our journey into parenthood and other things...
The Schunkes
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Things we love and recommend
- The Holy Bible
Great Books about Infertility and Getting Pregnant
- A Few Good Eggs By Julie Vargo and Maureen Regan
- Getting Pregnant by Niels H. Lauersen M.D. and Collette Bouchez
- Infertility Survival Handbook by Elizabeth Swire-Falker
- The Couple's Guide to In Vitro Fertilization by Liz Charlesworth
- The Wayward Stork by Lea L McCarthy and Sarah A Tursi
6 comments:
Nancy,
My heart is breaking for you and Richard. We will pray for you and your miracle. May the love of your friends and family comfort you.
Jennifer
Dear Nancy,
I read your post and my heart breaks for you. Definitely take time to grieve this loss. You already know that God will bring your child home to you someday, it just doesn't FEEL that way right now. God knows your heart, he knows you desire to give a loving home to a child, or children. He actually knows exactly who your children are! For some reason He is leading you in this journey, and somehow this time of loss and grief will grow your heart and your faith so that you will be even better parents in the future.
My parents were infertility patients and every time I hear the story of how they "tried for seven years before we got pregnant" it builds up my heart a little bit more. SEVEN YEARS of trying for something. When I was young, younger than seven years, it was especially astounding to me because that was more years than I had lived, and I could hardly wait an hour for something...much less seven years. But now, at 26 years old, knowing that my parents tried for seven years before I was born, is an amazing gift to me. They wanted me so much, just like you want your child so much, that they didn't stop trying. And neither will you.
These days of trying and waiting, that seem endless and draining, are actually building into the most beautiful gift you will ever give your child...the feeling of being loved so much that you cared, even when it felt impossible, to keep trying to bring him or her into your family. These days are not wasted...You are building a gift.
There are children out there, born and unborn, who need loving parents like you. Just as they say, 'Do not ask what the Lord can do for you, ask what you can do for the Lord,' ... do not ask the Lord to bring a child to you, (as parents whose hearts ache for a child) but ask Him to bring you to the child whose heart is aching for loving parents. HE WILL.
God Bless you on your journey.
Megan Corcoran
We can appreciate your heartache. Thanks for the honesty. Not to get hopes up at all, but in the line of work I am in (Jenna), I have been asked before to recommend parents to young ladies who can not take care of their babies and would like a Christian adoptive couple to help them out. We have had friends adopt babies for minimual cost by the grace of God. I would love to keep you guys in mind and if I hear of any families to send you a note and let you know and make that decision! I pray that God will continue to give you the hope and joy you need for each tomorrow!
We love you guys,
Jenna and Brent
Hope your 2008 has gotten off to a wonderful start! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!
Nancy,
There really are no words...
I know, to a certain extent, just how you're feeling though. Pregnancy and babies...they're all around us--no escaping. I'm praying for you, I'm praying for me, and I'm praying for every single family I see walk into that infertility clinic, and for those I don't see. No one truly understands it until they have lived it. I don't wish it upon anyone.
Call me if you would like to talk.
Love you girl~
Amy
Thanks for visiting and commenting. Oh, I have had similar feelings. I am so proud of you for not running away from your feelings and I give you a HUGE HUG for being so transparent! Let's continue to walk together.
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