Shock, anger, sadness...

Picking one or two emotions to describe what we have been feeling this weekend is next to impossible. Friday night we went to bed laughing and dreaming of our future children. (If you have not heard our silly teasing, we have named them Orel Carl and Christmas Carol which is a story I will have to tell another day). We laughed and teased with each other and were talking about my possible "pregnancy" symptoms after Richard noticed my boobs had gotten bigger. I remember going to bed hopeful and believing I really was pregnant.

Saturday morning I woke up to discover I was starting my period. On many of the message boards we refer to it as AF (which I think stands for "Aunt Flo")...hope I am not embarrassing any of the men reading our blog here...sorry! Anyway, even though I have heard of implantation bleeding (small amount of bleeding that can occur when the embryo attaches to the uterus), I knew that this was my regular AF...it has been further confirmed through the weekend.

I am devasted...I could not even get the words out to tell Richard. He knew something was wrong, I just crawled back into bed and into his arms and cried. Wailing is probably a better term, it just seem to come out of nowhere. I really believed that this insemination was going to bring us our children but now, I was getting a very clear indication that this was not the case. Despite all the medicines, treatment, and prayers, we find out we are not pregnant. We did not even get to take the pregnancy test.

I have walked through this weekend in a state of disbelief, anger, frustration, and feeling lost. Richard and I have both cried and held each other, but we have also found some moments of normalcy and even a bit of laughter here and there. I feel so blessed to have Richard by my side through all of this. He has been wonderful, absolutely wonderful.

We have also prayed and talked to God a lot this weekend. I have actually yelled at Him a bit, I was reminded in a book that I could yell and be angry at Him, his shoulders are big enough to handle it. Having the permission to feel all of these things and know that God will still hold me tight has made it easier to think about starting to heal from this disappointment. I suppose this is what has given me the energy and readiness to think about going through all of this again.

So what next? We are certainly not giving up...I armed myself with three new books this weekend, talked to God a lot, cried a lot, and got up this morning ready to start a new cycle. It's crazy isn't it???? I went in to get bloodwork done to check my FSH level. I am praying it has not gone up any since the last measure. Remember, higher numbers is bad...means the ovarian reserve is low. We have made an appointment with a new doctor to get a second opinion. Her name is Dr. Jennifer Phy and I have been told she is wonderful. We have an appointment with her next week. So I spent the morning running around and getting paperwork filled out for getting my records sent over before our appointment.

We again ask for your prayers. Richard and I both are hurting from this disappointment. Please pray for God's hand in our healing and the restoration of our hope. It is getting harder and harder to have faith that we will have children one day. In addition, please pray for the new start with the new doctor and the preparation of my body for another cycle. As usual, we will update with more details as we know them.

Thank you again for all your prayers and support...we feel them and appreciate them a great deal.