Heartbreak...

Today, Richard and I had to make the painful decision to cancel our IVF cycle. My body is not responding as it should to the medication. I have not developed enough follicles and my estrogen level is not high enough to justify the risks of the procedure. We were somewhat prepared for this today after the results of Tuesdays bloodwork. It was confirmed by today's results. Being prepared does not make it less painful though...it is tough to let go when you are already so invested in a process.

What we did not expect today was the news that the doctor does not believe that another IVF cycle would produce better results. I thought we might be able to try a new protocol or higher dose of drugs. The doctor said he started us with the highest dose recommended and that a change in protocol would probably not improve our results. Because of my age, I have just have too few eggs left and my body is working harder and harder to mature them. In addition to that, my ovaries are very small which is also contributing to the problem.

So, here is where we stand today...
we are converting our IVF cycle to an IUI (artificial insemination) cycle. I will continue with the drugs as we have been doing, actually adding one tonight as well. They are going to "wash" and "pool" some of Richard's best swimmers (kinda like an olympic trial for sperm...they spin the samples down in a centrifuge, then allow the sperm to swim to the top of the medium...only the strongest can do it) and then inseminate with that team sometime next week (maybe as early as Monday). We are hoping that my 4, maybe 6 follcles have prodced great eggs and at least one sperm finds one egg.

We are going to seek a second opinion on the second IVF cycle. Perhaps a doctor somewhere has a protocol he/she has used that might work for us.

I am resolved to trust God in this situation...I know he has a plan. Still, I am human and I am woman and I am hurting...I appreciate all your understanding a patience in this situation. I stood in the line at the scrapbook store today right next to a woman who was pregnant buying baby boy scrapbook paper. The clerk was talking to her about when her due date was and how it was going...I almost lost it. I left the store pretty quick after that...me leave a scrapbook store fast??? Not like me...but it was too much to take today. I went and bought a DQ blizzard after that...

We need a miracle...

When we started all of the fertility treatments, even though I was down about it, I don't think I doubted that IVF would work for us. Unfortunately, those doubts are creeping in big time right now. I am sure the drugs and stirring up of my hormones have made me more emotional that usual right now, but nevertheless...

I went into the clinic today to check on our follicle development. He did see follicles today, but only three on each side. This coupled with my low estrogen levels indicates that I am not repsonding well to the medications. Estrogen levels should be higher at this point...about 200 per follicle. Mine is about 112 right now, total. We are going to stay on the meds for two more days and I return to the clinic to check on things again. It there is not improvement, then the nurse said we may have to cancel the cycle.

Frustrating is not even the word for all of this right now...I am praying for our little miracles that I know must be there somewhere, but I am terrified right now. We want to have kids so badly...please keep us in your prayers the next two days...

We are go for Phase II...

Yesterday we moved into Phase II of our IVF journey. I am beginning to feel like a human experiment on the X-files or something. No medical treatment I have encountered is as structured and different as this one. I have started looking for alien implants on the back of my neck or something. :) "Mulder, the truth is out there..."

Believing that our baby is "out there," our morning started off bright and early with Richard getting out the new medication that comes in the big fat pen. This one is called Gonal-f and it is a stimulator that should rev my follicles into overdrive to produce eggs. I have to take this drug twice a day. This needle is about the same size as the Lupron shots (which I still take so this is a total of 3 injections a day) so it is not too painful. The side effects of this one are much stronger though and have really thrown me for a loop this weekend. I have expected the mood swings and "PMS" type symptoms, but it has also affected my respiratory system. I have symptoms of the flu, stomach pain, and difficulty breathing due to congestion and chest tightness. All are known side effects of the medications. I am sure my symptoms have been exhasberated by the fact that I already have sinus and allergy issues. Yesterday was pretty rough...slept alot and used a lot of kleenex. I am hoping that my body will adjust a bit more to it as the days go by, it will be difficult feeling like this for 10 days. Today, I feel about the same...headache, congestion, fatigue, just blah...

I am makng the best of it by watching some movies, doing some knitting, and relaxing around the house and surfing the net. I did get out and walk a bit today as well as went fishing yesterday...something not too strenuous...

Phase II was not only the start of the new injection, but also an added antibiotic for both Richard and me to take twice a day. At least I am not the only one taking the meds...

Prayer Focus: development of follicles and for relief from drug side effects

Today's Blogpourri...

There is so much going on this week I don't know where to start!

LAST DAY of SCHOOL!!! Yes, today we said good-bye to the kids for the summer. Don't get me wrong, I love my students, but it is nice to say good bye and take a break every so often. There are many I will miss a great deal though...I have been blessed to have some great students over the years.

IVF Cycle Update:
I went in for my baseline ultraound today. There was some concern because he could not see any follicles starting to develop at this point. We are still on schedule to start the stimulation drugs on Saturday. I then go in on Tuesday for another ultrasound. He said if he still does not see the follicles on Tuesday, then he will be worried. I am trying not to worry yet. My ovaries appear to be small anyway and maybe that is why we can't see the follicles yet. So, time to rev up your prayer engines all...Lord, get these follicles developing! All of my bloodwork looks good...that is a plus.

We transition into phase II on Saturday...stimulation drugs that are injected from a device that looks like one of those big fat four color pens. We also both have to start taking antibiotics. With all of this, the really fun hormone changes begin. So far, I have just had occasional headaches, bloating, soreness, hot flashes, irritability (leave me alone!), and hunger cravings. No sweat, right??!!! The new medicine promises to bring even more fun. Perhaps I should start looking at the bright side of this adventure...say what I want, blame it on the meds....hmmmmmmm...

I had a nice relaxing massage last night. A friend is going to help me with weekly massages to relieve stress and help my circulation throughout the cycle. The less stress the better! I have also read a lot about accupuncture and in-vitro. I would not normally try this, but there is some positive reasearch out there that shows it may help. I will keep you all posted...it is a matter of whether I can deal with all those needles or not...yikes!

Well, it looks like DH and I might go see the "Pirates" tonight...I really need a diversion.

Prayer focus for the week: development of the follicles by Tuesday!!!

Maintaining normalcy

So, advice I have been given so far is to live life as normal as possible even as the IVF cycle begins. Difficult to do when your day to day "normal" life now includes an ever-increasing round of needle injections...but we are trying! I had to work Friday night at the theater, so Richard came up there to give me my evening shot in the employee break room...talk about entertainment. Since we have to give the shot about the same time every night, it puts a small kink in some evening plans, but not a huge deal.

Saturday evening I went to a friends for a scrapbooking night. I bravely asked my friend Linda, if she had ever given an injection before so I could relive Richard from having to drive out...she was wonderful. She had worked as a vet tech and had given lots of animals shots, so she figured she could do this too! She did a great job...what a funny evening it was, too. The television had gone out in the bedroom and so her husband was in the living room with us watching boxing while we talked scrapbooks and in-vitro! Talk about a one-two punch for him...

I am adjusting to the Lupron, but I could really feel the side effects this weekend. I have been pretty cranky and have had several headaches...then there is the rollercoasting bloating and "un-bloating." One minute I feel really thin and then the next like I have popped out like a puffer fish...grrrrrr. I am sure it will kill me at weigh-in tomorrow night at Weight Watchers...

Prayer focus for the week: to not allow stress to take over, to try to maintain our normal day to day routine, for God's continued peace that He is in control of this entire process!

Music to conceive by...

I got an mp3! How fun, I am finally with the times. Richard got a surprise at work today, a small bonus AMEX gift card, so he said we could go buy an mp3 player. We got the Sandisk Sansa e260. I have been reading really good reviews on the sandisk players and it had a lot of the features I wanted. It is charging up tonight and maybe I will have some time to get some songs loaded on it this weekend. It came pre-loaded, so at least there is something.

Made it through the second shot tonight...little prickly, but ok. I know we will fly through the first part of the cycle...

Prayer focus for the week is for eating healthy, my body's response to the new drugs (no allergic reactions, excessive weight gain, etc.) and will power to start weaning myself completely off the caffeine. While I have already cut down quite a bit, I still manage to get in one soft drink a day. It is so hard to give up my diet dr. pepper!

Hit me with your best shot...

Richard gave me the first injection tonight. The anticipation was far worse than the actually pain of the needle stick. It is sore now though and I got a bit nauseated after (then again, I had chili dogs for dinner and they did not bode well with me at all!) I do think that my belly will be quite sore for the next month. The first drug is Lupron which is a supression type drug. It actually works to completely shut the ovaries down. Once that is achieved, we stimulate the ovaries! Crazy huh? Shut them down just to stimulate them again! That is the way things work though in this IVF protocol.

One down...too many to count to go...

The meds have arrived

Wow...I was expecting to walk out of the doctor's office on Thursday with a wal-mart size bag and instead took home this huge box which contains all of our IVF medications. The actually medicines are in small vials, the rest of it is all the syringes that we will have to use.

I am worried about these injections. We start with 10 days a once a day suppression drug called Lupron. Then on May 25 we start the follicle stimulating drug, Gonal F, twice a day. Since we continue the Lupron, this will now be three injections a day.

There was another medication in the box that the nurse did not tell us about. I am hoping and praying that the pharmacy made a mistake because they sent huge needles with this drug...it does not look fun at all. I will be calling about it tomorrow...

Our church prayed for us this morning...it was very calming and comforting. We will continue to see God's will through all of this. It will be cool to see how He works through this even though it won't be fun physically...