Lost

Lost is about the only word that comes to mind as I write this post today. I know that it has been a while since our last post. I have not been able to find the words to write.

Not only did we lose all of our embryos by transfer day over month ago, but we also lost the donor embryos. My pregnancy test was negative and we were once again faced with tremendous heartache.

The last month has been pretty rough. I am fighting depression, we are trying to recover from the tremendous expenses we have had due to all of the medical treatments, and we face a future with no children.

I am trying to find faith in God right now, but even it is lost right now. I can have all the faith in the world for others, but not for myself. I don't understand why He will not bring us a child.

We are taking a break right now. Our options are so small right now. We are going to concentrate on our health right now and try again to get our weight down. I gained almost 20 pounds over the summer from all of the fertility medications and loss of activity over the summer. That made all of this even more frustrating for me. I am having a very difficult time getting the weight to come off as well.

We are thinking about trying embryo adoption again in the future, but not for a while. Traditional adoption is also an option, but it will take a financial miracle. It typically costs around $20-25,000 and our resources are exhausted right now. This option may not be possible until several years from now.

All I can see right now is a grim future without children. For that I need your prayers. Every time I turn around I see pregnancy and babies; on television, in books, in stores, etc. I cannot escape it...I feel so bitter and angry and I am afraid I will feel this way forever. I desperately need to have some hope again...

I wish I had happier news for all. I wish I could write that post that talks about my strong faith in the Lord and how he will sustain me, but I just cannot find it inside of me right now. I need to grieve this loss first and then maybe I will see His Joy again...